


The Cheesy Way Out

by FierySprites



Series: The Many Ways V3 Could’ve Gone Wrong [2]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Sexual Situations, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Dub Terms, Gen, Humor, Mild Language, No Spoilers, One-Shot, POV First Person, This is Dumb But I Don't Care, everyone is confused, like even more so this time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 09:56:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16195187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FierySprites/pseuds/FierySprites
Summary: Beyond the Death Road of Despair lies… cheese. And lots of it.This is very perplexing.Kaede just wants to go home already.(A crack crossover betweenMario Kart 8andDanganronpa V3: Killing Harmony. Takes place midway into DRV3’s first chapter.)





	The Cheesy Way Out

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set midway through Chapter 1 of _Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony_. The sixteen Ultimates have survived the Death Road of Despair and have just opened the door to the ‘outside world’.
> 
> As for how this exact event happened… uhh, it’s a crack fic. What more can I say?

**[Kaede]**

**Location:** …Aaaaagh, jeez! I don’t know!

“What,” I said blankly.

I’ll admit—I didn’t really know what to expect beyond the ‘Death Road of Despair’. I knew it was our ticket to freedom, yes… but it was long and treacherous enough that I was worried that maybe, just maybe, it might not be worth it after all.

And when we finally made it to that barrier-blocked door, I wondered what could possibly be on the other side of it.

A large, grassy plain? Sure, I can deal with that.

An abandoned city? A bit more troublesome, but we could live.

The end of the world? …okay, that’s a worst case scenario, but… something tells me we could make it work?

But a land made out of cheese?

That’s where I drew the line.

“I agree,” Shuichi stated next to me. “What.”

Even Monokuma looked taken aback by the sight, and—he was the guy that was keeping us trapped in the Ultimate Academy in the first place. He doesn’t deserve the right to be surprised by this! “W-What the hell!?” he shouted. “This wasn’t here before! What’s going on!?”

The landscape before us was quite literally roads upon hills upon monuments of _cheese._ Just nothing but _cheese._ There were even gigantic slabs of rock that looked exactly _like_ cheese, just sitting off to the side of said roads, with stickers on them telling us exactly where we were— **Cheese Land**.

Heh heh, that’s not a very… creative name, huh?

…jeez, I can barely joke to myself now…

“Oh, man!” Kokichi, I noticed, was grinning. Grinning widely. Very innocently, in fact. I took that as a bad sign. “We went through _alllllll_ of that hell—bombs and falling platforms and all—and we got a mountainside of cheese for our reward! Welp,” he clapped his hands, “I’m satisfied!”

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa, _wait!”_ Tenko looked just as flabbergasted as the rest of us. “W-Where’d all this _cheese_ come from!? Is—Is this because of one of you degenerate males!?”

“N-Nyeeeeehh…?” Himiko rubbed her eyes. “It’s so bright… It’s making me more tired by the second…”

Kiyo, being his typical creepy self, leaned down toward the ground and touched the ground. I don’t know what he was intending to do, being that his hands were absolutely covered with weird bandages. “This is fascinating!” he breathed, sounding excited. “This land… It truly does have the genuine texture of traditional cheese! I have never before seen something so beautiful as this!”

“Cut the crap, you shit-stirring sex creep!” Miu still seemed to have a grasp on her language despite the shock – I kinda wish she didn’t, honestly. “Can’t you focus on the fact that we are _literally in a world of fucking cheese now!? Is that not weird for you!?”_

“I thought we were just isolated from the world, based on the magnitude of the Ultimate Academy’s architecture,” Shuichi surmised, his brain clearly thinking fast and furiously about our situation. He really does deserve the title of Ultimate Detective. “Monokuma, by virtue of being our captor, shouldn’t be surprised by any of this – and yet, despite all odds, he _is._ This indicates that this is either the result of a greater power or he did something behind the scenes to make things this way. I don’t know which yet, though, and I’m not sure I _want_ to know…”

“Either way, this is totally insane,” I chimed in. I didn’t think something like this was even possible – and I’ve seen Keebo, Miu, Kirumi, and everyone else here in this Killing Game. “H-How did the outside world turn into—turn into this!?” Last I checked, we didn’t have anything this extraordinary back home!

Then, I heard something. Being a pianist, my sense of hearing is a little stronger than everybody else’s, so I could hear… was that an explosion in the distance? And… were those _engine noises?_

Suddenly, I realized that the pale roads on the ground probably weren’t for normal driving. “Everybody, stay back!” I warned, keeping my eyes trained on where the sounds were coming from.

“What for, Kaeidiot?” Miu grumbled at me. “You want some alone time with your beta boytoy, or— _whoa!”_ A green shell suddenly shot close to us, nearly slamming straight into Monokuma. He looked rightfully pissed at the near miss.

 _“Hey, what’s the big idea!?”_ He stomped his way onto the road, his direction turned toward the cars—at least, I _thought_ they were cars, they certainly don’t sound like anything different. _“Don’t you know who I am!? I am Monokuma! I am **not** going to be mindlessly attacked by you ungrateful, soulless—”_ Then, some sort of black ball-like object was thrown his way, and once it hit him (with him saying “Say what now?” right before), _he blew up. **Again.**_

Half of us shrieked at the sight, especially as the explosion promptly coated us in a layer of cheesy goodness. _“Eeeeeeeeek!”_ Miu screeched, trying to get the yellow liquid off of her. _“I-It’s **everywhere!**_ O-Ohh, I can… feel it… sinking into my… my gorgeous boobs…!” She moaned in what sounded like inappropriate ecstasy, and I grimaced at the mere sound of it. Can’t she get off someplace else!?

“Well, _that_ was something I never needed to hear—or see—in my life,” Rantaro said, looking mostly unphased by the cheese blast.

“Caught off guard by cheese of all things…” I heard Ryoma muttering to himself. “Seems I’ve still got a ways to go…”

“Oh wow!” Angie was saying. “It must be the will of Atua that we are allowed to bask in this miracle! I thank Him very much for this!”

Following up the unexpected explosion was a flurry of even more cars—no, _karts—_ and a whole host of random items, too! They just came _flying out of nowhere,_ and some of these items—shells, banana peels, more of those bombs—were misaimed in our direction, too! We all screamed and scrambled to get out of the way—Shuichi was yelling, “W-What the heck is going on!?” and I can’t honestly say I know—and ended up coated in even more cheese in the process.

(Nearby, I bore witness to Kaito trying to shield Maki from the cheese. “Don’t worry, Maki Roll!” he was shouting. “As the Luminary of the Stars, I’ll protect you from harm!”

“H-Hey! I—I never gave you permission to call me that! A-And I don’t need your help!”)

Not to mention, all those racers—in vehicles large and small and themselves being sizes intimidating to harmless—drove past at what sounded like _way too fast!_ As I was trying to move out of the way, I ended up tripping and falling on Shuichi in an embarrassing fashion.

“A-Ahh!” J-Jeez, _really,_ me!?

“H-Hey!”

We tumbled around a bit longer, kicking up more cheese dust around us—and boy, isn’t _that_ a weird statement to say—and eventually, we found ourselves in quite the compromising position. I was laying on top of Shuichi, my fairly sizeable bust pressing right against his own chest, with us covered all over with cheese, too.

He stared into my eyes.

I stared into his.

I could feel my face—and his own—getting hotter with every second that passed.

We just kind of… sat there for a while. Not daring to move. Trying not to embarrass ourselves even more thoroughly.

That last part, uhh… wasn’t quite working.

“S-So!” Shuichi tried to make conversation. “This is… This is, uhh… kind of a sticky situation, huh Kaede…?”

I giggled nervously. “Y-Yep! It… It sure is!”

…that didn’t help.

Not at all.

As the karts drove away from our positions (still rather loudly at that), I heard one of the drivers call back to us, _“Sorry about the-a close shave! We’ll-a be back for you later!”_ His voice sounded kinda familiar, in a ‘I’ve heard it on TV’ kind of way – but right now, my mind was too scattered to figure out the exact where and what.

Because I was still on top of Shuichi.

I heard Kokichi do a little annoying whistle from nearby. “Wow, I didn’t know you guys wanted to go at it already!” he teased. “You could at least let the rest of us join in on the action… Hey, Kee-boy! You never answered my question from earlier! Now’s the time to show me for yourself!”

“W-What!? What question!? I don’t know what you’re talking about! What’s going on!? What’s Shuichi and Kaede doing!?”

I blushed, and the two of us got back to sitting upright. I groaned and put my face into my hands. “I’m never going to live this down, am I?” I muttered, silently sobbing for my lost dignity (if it even existed, anyway).

“H-Hey! I-It’ll be alright, Kaede!” Shuichi tried to reassure me. It’s funny, how we’ve swapped roles all of a sudden. “We’re—We’re all out of the Killing Game now, and… Monokuma’s been destroyed! We’ll f-figure out something from there! …probably! It’s… It’s going to be alright, right?”

I groaned louder.

I really want to just go home right now.

I am so blaming Monokuma for this…

**Author's Note:**

> Completing the Death Road of Despair pre-Chapter 5 nets you a cop-out ending with either Kaede or Shuichi, depending on when you do it. I joked to my brother that maybe their reactions were a result of finding a candy paradise or GBA Cheese Land behind the door, or something, and _that’s_ why they were so unbelieving. (I know the real reason now, but—it was pretty ambiguous.)
> 
> Then I decided, eh, what the hell? Let’s do it for realsies.
> 
> I’m not sorry for this. Not at all.


End file.
